|Monsoon sunset over the Arizona high country. Soon this will all be houses.|
I keep getting older and can't seem to stop it from happening.
I remember when I turned 30. As my birthday approached, I wasn't feeling any particular worry about it. I was in excellent physical condition and having a lot of fun so there seemed to be no reason to worry. Then when I got within a day or two of the date, I got extremely crazy and had some type of flip out. It was a more psychologically transformative event than I had anticipated.
Forty came and went without as much upset, though I noted the cultural significance of the number.
As I approach my birthday this year, I look forward to it with dread. It can now be said that I am approaching 50 and the years are flying by. Many middle aged and elderly people seem to be completely comfortable with aging. I can't say that. I resent it.
There is a line in one of my favorite movies, Blade Runner, where a "replicant" (android) named Roy, has gone back to his designer when he finds out that he has a 4 year limit on his lifespan. He asks to have his life extended. The designer, under duress says that it isn't technically possible, but he will give him anything else he wants.
Roy: "I want more life, fucker!"1
This is how I currently feel about things. I want more life, though I want it only with good health. What I really want is more youth. I'd have stayed 30 forever if I could have.
Footnotes and Comments
1 I would clarify that I do not direct the demand at God. Though not an atheist (which I have written about elsewhere), I perceive nature as an organic machine that runs according to natural laws. There are good reasons life forms have limited life spans, too complex to go into here.